The moon and the stars

Many people know that while I absolutely adore my daughter, she has not always been the easiest child to parent.  I love her all the way to the moon and stars and back one hundred million times (one of our bedtime expressions of love).  But she can test every limit of my patience and push me to the brink of parenting disaster in ways that I cannot even describe.  And she's only six years old.

In preschool she had a number of rough patches with behavior issues.  We had tantrums that rivaled anything I'd ever seen.  John had tantrums too at that age, but with the exception of when he had been on a steroid medication, they were all very age appropriate and typical.  No concerns.  But Kara on the other hand....  We coped as best we could.  We managed to get through them.  It wasn't pretty.  But we survived.  Until we weren't managing them as best we could.  And I could feel us all losing ourselves in her tantrums.  It became a problem.  A big problem.  As I've heard therapists say, it was causing a major disruption in our normal lives.  That's the turning point.  That was the point at which we decided to seek help.

First stop, the pediatrician.  By then of course, we already had some ideas of what the issues could be.  Not autism, but other developmental issues, learning issues, ADHD, executive function issues, all kinds of problems were circling in my worried brain.  After a lengthy meeting with the pediatrician, she ordered a full gamut of blood tests, which I was convinced were overkill and not going to give us any answers.  She clearly wasn't sure about it either, but wanted to start there.  She seemed focused on the possibility of the behavior problems being related to Restless Leg Syndrome.  Really?  No. Way.  I was a bit frustrated at her suggestion.  How could my rock star sleeper child be a victim of RLS?  Didn't make sense to me.  At all.

So we moved forward and did the bloodwork.  Which was AWFUL.  Kara screamed.  And thrashed.  And sobbed.  It took three nurses and me to hold her still and the lab tech to draw the blood.  It was horrible.  For her and for me.  But we survived.

And sure enough, the one test that showed an issue was her iron levels, and thus a diagnosis of RLS.  Well, yes, once the results came back it started to make more sense to me.  She is one of the most picky eaters I have ever known.  She eats virtually no vegetables.  We are vegetarian, so she doesn't get a lot of meat.  I avoid iron in their multivitamin as she has always been very prone to constipation.  Yes, I imagine her iron levels would be extremely low!  And they were.  So we started a chewable iron vitamin, four tablets per day.

That was almost a year ago.  My daughter is now almost a completely different child.  She still has the occasional tantrum.  What six year old doesn't?  But she is happy.  She is funny.  She can go along with things that she's not always so happy about without having a major day-stopping meltdown.  She still does require more sleep than her brother, but now we know she's getting good QUALITY sleep.  We went on vacation over spring break with another family for the third year in a row.  After the trip, as I reflected on the week, I realized that she had been the best behaved child on the trip!  I have never been able to say that about her.  Ever.  I was so proud of her.  And so thankful that life has gotten so much better for her.

She is a little ray of sunshine when she is happy.  Her smile can melt my heart and her laugh is positively contagious.  Who knew that iron vitamins could make such a difference for our family and for her?  Not me.  But I thank my lucky stars every day now that we do know.  Because I love her and her smile and her laugh all the way to the moon and the stars a hundred million times.

Giggles

Sometimes at the end of a long day, you just need to laugh.  Or sometimes you just need to hear your children laughing.

This has been kind of a long day for me.  A lot going on.  A lot going on in my brain.  Nothing too heavy, just stuff.  And it's hot.  And I'm tired.  And it's that after-dinner time when things can either go okay around here or they can go terribly bad.  The kids finished dinner, cleared their dishes and ran off to the basement to play.  Absolutely fine with me.  Lovely, in fact.

And as I'm listening to them play, and they are playing happily, I realize how wonderful it is that Kara finds her brother so absolutely hilarious.  No one can make her laugh the way John can.  No one can make her smile the way John can.  She loves me and she loves her daddy, but John is in a different category altogether.  And I love that.

I'm so happy for them that they have each other and that they really do enjoy just hanging out together. Most of the time anyway.  They have reached a great age where they play, hang out, do projects, create things and entertain each other remarkably well.  It's such a gift.  I know they can't see it right now, but every once in awhile, like tonight, I get a glimpse of their relationship and I marvel at the simplicity and the complexity of it.

I hope it never changes.  Even though I know it will.

I hope they at least remember these moments the way I hope to as well.

Choices, so many choices

So I am in the midst of feeling like my life is ready for some change.  We have a whole lot of activities and events coming up, so I'm not sure right now is when I can make much happen for myself in terms of change.  For now I'm really just hoping to get back on track with my diet and exercise habits.  That will be a good start.

But I feel like I'm ready for a bigger change.  Maybe I'm looking for a career opportunity.  Maybe I just need to feel like I'm gearing up for a career opportunity.  I do think I really need to find something that rewards and challenges me, that is mine alone, and doesn't involve the kids.  I'm just not sure what that might be right now.

Maybe I could become a math teacher?  Maybe I could become an editor?  Maybe I could go back to working at a rec center?  Maybe I could work at a preschool?  Maybe I could look for a staff position at a local school?  Maybe I could become a school counselor?  Maybe I could find some outlet involving writing?  Maybe I could work in my love of cooking, yoga, or pets?  Options are endless, and often overwhelming.

In the past when I've been faced with these sorts of overwhelming choices, I'm not sure I've made the best choices for myself.  Thus adding extra pressure to my situation now.  I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads to the next phase of my life and I've got no idea which direction to go or how on earth to get there.  Add in the requirements that I have for a career - supreme flexibility due to the kids, accommodating our crazy schedule, and understanding that I have been out of the workforce for almost 10 years.  Umm, yeah.  Good luck with that.

I am feeling more and more like the time is coming for me to pick a path and make some changes.  I just don't quite see the path ahead very clearly yet.  I'm hoping it will become clearer soon, as it is weighing heavily on me lately.  Increasing the blog posts has helped, so hopefully I will continue to use this as a release.  I hope you don't mind.  :-)