Back to the Blog

Alright, so it's been months since I posted here and, to be honest, I've missed it. I think about postings in my head and haven't gotten them down on the computer. I can say we've been busy, which is true, but I also think I just needed to let go of one commitment for a little bit for my sanity and, well, the blog was it. Thus, the message in this post...read on.

Every day every parent doubts their ability to be a good parent. You spend so much energy and thought making parenting your primary focus and yet you still worry that you're not doing enough or not doing it right. It's totally overwhelming and stressful and makes your head spin on a daily basis.

I grapple with this regularly - load up on activities vs. spending quality time at home with my kids. Letting them play independently vs. engaging them in constant play. I love my kids more than anything and they astound me each and every day with their humor, charm, intelligence, sincerity, generosity, and so much more. Many days I feel like I didn't do enough - maybe I didn't do enough arts and crafts with them, or I didn't do enough reading, or I didn't limit their time in front of the tv, or hundreds of other "I didn't"s.

But deep down, I do know that I did. I do spend a lot of time doing all of those things with my kids. I just wish, so hard, that I could wipe away all of the extraneous things in our days - grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry - all the stuff that must get done, but that takes away from my time to "just be" with my kids. If only those things could fade into the background and I could spend all the quality time I want with my kids, for just a day, or two, or three.

But life isn't about "if only"s, any more than it should be about all the "I didn't"s. I am struggling with remembering to appreciate each moment and making the most of the time we do have. I am cleaning through a lot of the clutter, emotional and physical clutter, in our lives to allow me more energy and time to enjoy our life and enjoy the moments as they come.

Wish me luck.

Life Never Slows Down

For a long time, I kept saying,"when things slow down, I'll get back on track" (or get organized, or get to one of those many projects on my to-do list, etc.). But it's slowly dawning on me that that day never comes. Life with my active young kids and our busy schedule just never seems to slow down. Summer wasn't slow. The school year has been nothing close to slow, well, except for all our many sick days, which just don't count as "slow days" when anything productive can get done. Maybe instead of waiting for a slow time, I'll figure out how to squeeze in more project time, or just be better able to accept that this is not a time in my life when I'll be able to do the "fun" things I want to do!

So, let's recap what the fall has brought us so far:
- sickness...lots and lots of sickness
- a speedy trip to Maine with lots of family fun
- more sickness
- swimming lessons for both kids, which has led to major progress for John and his willingness to go underwater! Yeah!!!
- Kara's birthday and a variety of small, but fun, celebrations for her
- fall soccer for John and a lot of fun times with friends playing soccer
- progress on upgrading Kara's bedroom from a nursery to a big girl room, which also included selling off our crib and dresser set. Very hard for me to part with, but it was definitely time to do it and I'm glad to have the space for new things.
- starting to think about a major renovation of our kitchen. While this is totally scary, it is also totally necessary and I'm excited about all the possibilities.
- the start of life with homework for John. He's been excited to work on it, so there's been a smooth transition on that front...thank goodness!
- Halloween! It was my first year without pre-decided costumes for either child, and boy was that hard! John decided early on that he wanted to be Scooby Doo, and thanks to a very generous neighbor, that was easily achieved. Kara, after MANY MANY switcheroos on costume choices, finally settled on being a "scary, bad, black cat." Boy, was she scary...well, more cute than scary, but it was an easy costume, for which I was very thankful! ;-)

And I'm sure there's much more, but it's been such a whirlwind lately that it's hard to remember all of the things that have taken place in between our various illnesses. I'm always hopeful that I'll get back to posting more often here, but it's so hard to tell if I'm going to meet that goal or be busy taking care of sick children instead. Any guesses as to which one I'd rather be doing???

October = Illness

Around here it seems that October cannot get by without bringing the first of the season's many cold bugs into our home. Kara's third birthday was October 3rd and she had a slight cold then. By the next week, it had passed on to John...and then turned into croup. Fortunately the croup part only lasted about two days, but the cold lingered on for him. After missing most of the week of school, we packed up and headed north to Maine for a long weekend, visiting my extended family and enjoying some fall color. During the whirlwind trip, I came down with the cold. I felt okay the day we drove back, thankfully, but have spent the last 3 days being pretty miserable. And finally, not to be left out of anything, Matt woke up this morning declaring his body's submission to the cold as well. I'm truly wondering what it would be like for our family to stay healthy through October. The last few years have consistently resulted in a thorough spread of illness through our household. It's unfortunate, for many reasons, but mostly because we all truly enjoy fall and all the many fun activities there are to do during this season. At this point it looks like we may need to scale down our fall activities we had planned for this weekend so we can just get some rest and recuperate. So tough.

At least we were able to enjoy Kara's birthday and our trip to Maine was great. A lot of good family togetherness and seeing my grandmother for the first time in two years was also good. Her older sister (just turned 90!!) was able to come out from California and that was great too. My grandmother has severe dementia, so may not have known who anyone was specifically, but definitely had some recognition of those around her and certainly was happy to see her sister after many years. It was a very special visit. The kids enjoyed playing with their cousins and I got to visit with my brother and sister-in-law, which I always enjoy. It was kind of a crazy trip to make for a weekend, but it was well worth it.

Now we're on to finishing off October with a potential camping trip next weekend, soccer games, starting swimming lessons, and of course, Halloween. Kara seems to be changing her mind on her costume choice by the day. She clearly doesn't understand yet that her options might be more limited than she thinks! Working on that....

I'm optimisitic that my blogging will become more frequent again soon. Once my head cold diminishes and I have a clearer brain, I'll get back on top of things...or maybe I'll get better about accepting that I'm always behind and figure out a way to enjoy it all more instead. Hmm, I think I might like that idea better!

So I'm officially crazy!

Well, at least I'm thinking it must be, otherwise I would not manage to totally over-commit myself like I do. One look at the calendar in our kitchen makes it clear to any rational person that we have a few too many things going on. I don't know how to make any of it "go away" and I'm scared to think about how much behind the scenes work has to happen to make it through it all.

I am volunteering my behind off, because I believe in supporting the schools, and of course, also so that when I do eventually go back to work I can show that I was not totally resting on my laurels and eating my yummy bon-bons (which is clearly what all of us stay-at-home moms do, right?). So I managed to get into the position of serving as VP for my daughter's preschool board. This one shouldn't be too big of a deal - not too much work for this position, mostly just meeting attendance and a project or two. Then at the Back-to-School Night for John's kindergarten class I managed to sign myself up to be the class parent. Not entirely sure what I was thinking, I guess mostly that I wanted to enthusiastically support the teacher and the class. yikes.

Yeah...so those are two biggies for me for this year. Add to that swimming, soccer, and ballet. Add to that bus stop runs twice a day, trying to squeeze in some walks for me and Kara's playgroup. Before long I'll also be trying to get some more time for doing my website work with my old employer too.

Did I mention that Kara's birthday is in a week, John's follows in December, on top of all the holiday fun. And my mom had major knee surgery this week, so I'll be trying to get in some visits and be helpful to my parents as they work through the recovery/rehab process for her (which is going extremely well so far, so that's great).

Like I said, CRAZY!!! No doubt about it...just crazy....

Another Week of Firsts

So last week was a big first - John starting kindergarten. This week was also full of firsts for us....

1. Kara's first day of preschool - went GREAT and she loved it. (and I loved it too!)
2. Kara's first day of ballet - also went GREAT and couldn't have been cuter.
3. First (of many) Back-to-School Nights for Matt and I - we enjoyed it and learned a lot about what John's days are like and are looking forward to a great school year for John.
4. First time I had to talk with John about bullies. A bus-ride incident with a neighbor kid resulted in a big conversation that I wasn't really ready to have so soon into school. But all seems to be okay for now.
5. First time John cried when the bus came. Wednesday morning, out of the blue, he cried when the bus pulled up that he didn't want to go to school. After so much excitement about school, I was baffled. Got in the car, drove to school instead, and all was better...for now. Today again had a bit of hesitation, but no tears, and got on the bus without a problem.
6. First preschool board meeting of the year for me - oh joy....
7. First drop-off birthday party that John will be going to (tomorrow) - should be a lot of fun. Matt's going to do a Daddy-daughter activity, so I'll get an hour and a half to myself on a Saturday morning. Ahhhhhh...Not sure what to do, but I'll enjoy it!

Anyway, you get the point. It's been a crazy, stressful, and fun week around here. But we're all really wiped out. The weekend ahead is almost as busy and will undoubtedly be fun, but I'm having a bit of trouble gearing up the energy for it! Thus my mantra right now is Power Through!!!!

And We're Off...

The first week of school has been a true success. Besides some issues with the bus schedule that seem to be working out gradually, everything has gone very smoothly. And John couldn't be more happy. While walking home from the bus on Tuesday afternoon, I asked him the standard, "So, what did you do today at school?" His response - "I'm so excited about going back tomorrow, that I can't even talk about today." What pure joy! It didn't give me the slightest clue into what had happened during the almost 7 hour school day, but it let me know that he was happy and had a great time at school. Any worries or concerns I might have had about things were quickly dissolved with his enthusiasm. The last two days after school, he's given me the same response, so I'm gathering that things are continuing in the same happy trend for him during the day.

I am glad to know that we will have a chance to get more of a glimpse into his daily life next week, when Matt and I get to go to Back-to-School Night. We'll get to meet his teacher (again), and explore the classroom, and hear from her more about what kindergarten life is really like. But until then, I'm just thrilled that he's having fun and enjoying his days at school. How cool is that?

The BIG Day

So our world is going to change tomorrow. Not only is summer officially over, but my oldest child goes out into the world, gets on a big yellow school bus, and goes to kindergarten. I knew the day would come, yearned for it even. But now it's looming over me like a dark cloud and I'm not particularly thrilled with it.

He's totally ready for this step. If he had to spend another week at home with me and his little sister, I think we'd all go nuts. He's ready for a schedule again, ready for new learning opportunities, ready to see some friends, and ready for everything else that goes along with this step.

Me? I thought I was ready. Maybe I convinced myself that I was ages ago, so that when the time came I would have brainwashed myself into believing it wouldn't be so hard. I was wrong or maybe I didn't do a good enough job with the brainwashing. I'm a mess inside today. Mostly I'm proud - proud of my son, who is strong, confident, caring, and sweet. But part of me is also nervous - nervous for all the changes that come with entering elementary school - all the social upheaval that we're heading into, all the many things that he'll be exposed to on the bus and in school with kids that are so much older than him. He's still my little guy and I hope he'll always be that for me. He's still so young and innocent (mostly). But that will change tomorrow when he gets on that bus. It may not be an instant change, but it will gradually shift for him and for us. I guess I am ready for the academic challenges of kindergarten, but not so much for the social challenges.

John is a great kid and I can't imagine him being any more ready for this step, but I just wish I felt more ready. Although truly, I'm not sure I'll ever be fully ready to let go. Fortunately the time comes regardless of my readiness.